A Field Guide to Fairy Trolls
It's ironic that fairies should attract trolls. They seems to be the perfect bait to lure the creatures from their caves and beneath their bridges. André Øvredal, director of 'Troll Hunter' should take note if he ever plans on making a sequel – fairies can certainly bring out the worst trolls imaginable!
When the hoax first emerged back in 2007 I received thousands of e-mails from around the world, a quarter of which were from various species of 'Fairy Troll' (although the term 'Internet Troll' did not exist then as far as I know). I should also point out that unlike other breeds of Internet Troll, Fairy Trolls are always female and borderline illiterate. I've come to the conclusion that this might not always be due to low IQ (although Trolls are renown for being dumb, ask any D&D player) but partially due to fat fingers mashing other letters and cats wandering across the keyboard. Ok, I admit that in my mind's eye I imagine the authors of these e-mails to be rosy and plump wearing clip-on butterfly wings, surrounded by a chorus of cats and knee deep in empty chocolate wrappers and Disney DVDs. Of course, I'm probably wrong, right?
The Common Telling-Off Troll
The mildest form of Fairy Troll, this non-confrontational breed is the literary equivalent of someone shaking their fist at you from across a couple of garden fences. They rarely use foul language and are the most articulate when it comes to dishing out a rollocking. I imagine the 'Common Telling-Off Troll' to be better at male interaction with a lower appetite for cake and cats. Here's an example (nothing has been edited from these original e-mails) -
I must admit, I did not find it funny. lolz Though I'm sure alot of people around the globe must have been quite miscellaneous with your prank. Especially those that love their fantasy+probably hope/believe in fairies/fantasy creatures. awww hahaha+you're right. It will be one thing you won't forget in a heartbeat. Maybe something you will always remember. ? ;-)
Be careful with your creations. You might see a goblin or a leprachaun one day. Maybe evena mermaid or a unicorn in your garden. Hahaha ? :-0
The Catty Ranter Troll
This slightly larger Troll blurts out angry paragraphs laden with phrases designed to evoke a sense of guilt within the reader. Catty Ranters believe in glittery flower fairies and are commonly found nailing fairy doors to trees in parks and leaving acorn cups full of raspberry lemonade outside. They will also usually own a minimum of ten cats and have some mild form of diabetes. Example -
You sir are an asshole. Purposely revieling fake remains and playing on the thoughts of other people just to observe what happens for your sick and twisted "experiment" is morally wrong and indecent! I happen to believe in magical things and to prey on innocent people who hope for something more in life is just sick and wrong. I truely don't know how you live with yourself. If someone found a real magical being now who would believe it even if it was real?! You have singlehandedly wrung the hopes and dreams out of people I know and love and because of your damn HOAX they decided not to believe or have hope anymore. How dare you! I hope somone really does find something amazing and you never hear or see of it! That way you are denied the fullfillment of your hopes and dreams like all of the vicitms of your fucking prank!!!
The Death Threat Troll
Finally, the 'Death Threat Troll'. Dark, brooding and nasty, this troll will pull every trick in the book to break you. They usually hold you responsible for the death of someone or something and then direct the same fate at you (but in a more brutal and sometimes bloody way). These trolls can be found under bridges in the grounds of high security mental facilities. Internet access is still allowed but limited hence the hastily typed splurge of vitriol devoid of punctuation. They would own cats if pets were allowed and chocolate is only available on visiting days hence their physical health is generally better than other Troll species. Glittery lace and wire butterfly wings are also replaced with crayon coloured paper thus removing sharp objects and the ability for them to be weaponised...
You derserve to die you fucking shatterer of dreams my 6yo daughter is terminally ill and the photos of a real fairy gaveher the hope to fight the illness but now you have said it is a hoax she has lost all hoep and is slipping away because of YOU you have ruined our life you BASTARD I hope the same happens to you FAIRIES are real and you have destoyed the hoopes and dreams of millions you have upset them and they WILL KILL YOU I hope they cut the breaks on your car and you crash and DIE you FUCKER my daughter has hours left so I must go and be by her side DESTROYER OF DREAMS DIE!
I originally had hundreds of Fairy Troll e-mails which had been sent to my email@example.com address. Gawab was a free e-mail service based in the middle east that I had used for a number of years however, 5 months after the hoax they deleted my account. I lost every piece of correspondence regarding the fairy hoax and although I requested a log of my e-mails my requests went unanswered. The messages used in the examples above were received via Facebook and they still keep coming through much to my amusement.
I now consider myself an authority on 'Fairy Trolls' as well as 'Mummified Fairies'. New species are being discovered daily and knowing that my art has touched so many nerves with such negative results makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Keep them coming!